Saving Grace
by T'Pinto
Summary: Jim Kirk has had a lot to deal with since his mind meld with Elder Spock on Delta Vega. He received a lot more than just emotional transference. What will that mean for him and his Spock? Event.slash & First Time fic. Pon Farr rated T may be M later.
1. Torn

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters found within this story, nor am I in any way shape or form making any income from using them. I am simply and appreciatively borrowing.

**Warnings:** This will be an eventual K/S, which means there will be same gender physical and romantic interactions. If you do not like this sort of thing, please stop now and do not read this story.

For those of you continuing on, this first chapter contains some mild language, references to sex and sexual situations, maybe a little sexual innuendo – sort of, and perhaps the quickest and most innocent flash of skin.

**Author's Note:** Okay this is going to be a the longest Author's note ever. Apologies in advance, but please read it. Wow – I'm still not sure why I'm doing this, but here I go. So…. I'm really going out on a limb here.

For those of you following "My Own Interrupted Iowa" you know that it is drawing to a close and I have talked about this story in passing several times throughout the process of writing MOII.

Knowing this I had a decision to make. Do I try to write a sequel to MOII, or do what I originally intended and continue with "Saving Grace". Or do I go a completely different direction and let the plot bunnies for a couple of other stories manifest themselves and work on those.

So many options…. My decision is….well….INSANE. All of the above?... wow…

I have a oneshot in mind that is a different take on Chp 18 of MOII – what if a similar situation to the New Year's party occurred but Spock and Jim were NOT involved. How would Spock react to seeing Jim up on stage like that?

Not sure if I will write it – because I'm not getting a very enthusiastic response to that chapter – so you tell me if you want to see something like that or not.

I'm definitely going to start another story that is torturing me – no hints at all on that – it's WAY different – won't post until I have something substantial.

I know where I want to go with the sequel to MOII – but – I'm burned out on that right now – so it may wait a while. We'll see.

I'm going to be working on ALL of that and this story "Saving Grace" – over the Christmas break, since I have over three weeks of crappy weather to endure and can just sit inside and write. (barring Jury duty – which I have been called for in January - ugh)

That said – I don't start break until the 18th. So I won't get much done until then – and I will finish MOII first.

In the meantime – I have decided to go out on this limb and post the first chapter to 'Saving Grace' to give you all a little preview, and to give me an incentive to get to work.

It is written in first person and will switch back and forth between Jim's POV in one chap – to Spock's POV in the next. Spock – is Hard to write. So I never got past the middle of the second chap when I first started writing this.

A few notes for this Chap concerning MY interpretation of Pon Farr. It's completely mine – made up – totally not Canon – I apologize. My reasoning for explaining it the way I do is based on my interpretation of the events in "The Search For Spock".

As Spock is rapidly re-aging on the Genesis Planet's surface, he experiences several cycles of Pon Farr, - which Savik –somehow- helps him through. It is unclear whether she taught him to meditate or if the innuendo's and rumors are true and she mated with him. I'm sure everyone has their own opinion about that.

That said – in the movie – when Savik explains to David that Spock is undergoing his first cycle of Pon Farr – Spock appears to be an adolescent boy at the time – somewhere between 14 and 17 years of age. I formulated my theories and interpretations of how Pon Farr could possibly work, on my observations of this occurrence.

Beyond that – those of you following MOII may find a lot of similarities here. The reason being is that I wrote this first, and when MOII took on a life of its own, I 'borrowed' some of my own ideas from this fic, for that one. I hope that's okay. I don't want to be redundant – this is a completely different story – I promise – it's just that certain elements seemed to work for both stories.

Okay – sorry to be so long winded – I'm just really nervous about putting this out there for some reason and felt I needed to justify my decision to post the first chapter before I really have anything else to add to it.

On with the show?

* * *

**TORN**

It's been six months since I met Ambassador Spock on Delta Vega. Six months since that all intrusive mind meld that left so many scattered images and memories in my mind. Dealing with them has been daunting to say the least.

I've been in continual contact with Ambassador Spock. He has been a great source of help, and council as I've struggled with interpreting and dealing with the somewhat disturbing information floating through my mind.

The mind meld I experienced was no ordinary Vulcan mind meld. I understand that they can be relatively pleasant experience. Such was not the case for me.

Ambassador Spock has explained that in order for me to really understand the gravity of the situation, he had to show me everything, as quickly as possible, forcefully, holding nothing back. To do this he had to implore a rarely used Vulcan technique.

When a Vulcan is near death it is possible for that Vulcan to transfer their Katra, or soul, the contents of their entire mind or essence of who they are, to another. My memories now show me that Ambassador Spock has done this in his past. He once died, and was reborn under circumstances which even now I don't' fully understand.

What he did to me was similar, but necessary. In essence he imprinted a copy of his Katra into my mind. Though not as permanent as a full Katra transference, it was just as invasive, and painful. It has left me feeling as though I have some sort of split personality disorder. There are two people in my head, two sets of memories. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm still me, for the most part, but I find that I'm much calmer, more logical in my thought processing and decision making. That's not a bad thing, but I know that it's the Ambassador's thoughts and experiences influencing me, and not my own.

Although I'm grateful for the wisdom, and I have to admit it has given me great tactical advantage and helped more than I'd like to admit in establishing respect from my crew and from Starfleet in my early Captaincy, it's a little unsettling at the same time. I feel as though at times, it's not _me_ making the decisions.

The Ambassador's take on it is somewhat different than mine. He says that being more level headed has made me more like the Jim he remembers. Like the one who grew up knowing his father and didn't have a troubled and recklessly misspent youth.

The problem there is, I'm not _his_ Jim, I'm me. I did have my share of juvenile delinquency. There is a lot of anger there. Its easier for me to deal with now because I can see the illogic of it, but it's still there, and it's a part of me. It makes me wonder if I'd be as affective with my Command if part of the Elder Spock's mind weren't in here with me.

Though most of Ambassador Spock's imprinted memories are fading the most traumatic, significant, or meaningful ones remain. I experience those memories in my dreams as if they were my own. I see what he saw, experience what he experienced, and feel what he felt.

Contrary to common belief Vulcans do feel emotions, a wide array, some intense at times, they are just very skilled at suppressing them and not letting them rule their decisions. Logic prevails....mostly, but not always, at least not for Spock.

The Ambassador says its partially due to his human genes. Perhaps. That makes me wonder if in this reality my First Officer is the same. The Ambassador seems to think he is. If so, there are a lot of things, a lot of feelings that I wonder if he would possibly share with his elder counterpart.

I have yet to discuss any of this with my First Officer. I'm conflicted about that. I know that I have to. He and the Ambassador are two different people, yet are so much the same that I have a unique understanding of my First Officer now. At times I almost know what he is thinking, can anticipate his actions before he makes them. It's obviously evident that he finds this curious, and even irritating. So yes, I need to tell him about the mind meld, but I don't know how to do that just yet.

I have to find a way to reconcile my own thoughts and feelings, from those of Ambassador Spock's first. The meditation techniques he's been teaching me have helped a great deal, but I still have nightmares. They're mostly about the Ambassador's death and rebirth on the Genesis planet. His rapid succession of onsets of Pon Farr after rebirth and their connection to the planet are particularly disturbing.

Because of it I've also had to learn a great deal about Pon Farr, to understand it. I owe a great debt to Ambassador Spock for being so open with me on that front. I understand that the subject of Pon Farr is a delicate one within the Vulcan culture and is rarely discussed, even among themselves. However, due to the nature of the nightmares, combined with my own feelings of confusion, I had to be sure not just exactly what Pon Farr was, but that every onset was not so intense and agonizing. Imagining my Spock going through something so excruciating is something I really couldn't bear.

My Spock, funny that I think of him in those terms, but when there are two of them, and one of them is in my head, well I had to designate them somehow. It just seems like it would have been more logical for me to think of the Elder Spock as "my Spock", since he's the one who's Katra is floating around in the pathways and synapses of my gray matter, but I don't.

I think of him more formally – he's the Ambassador. More like a father figure, a mentor, a counselor. I do share a deep friendship with him, deeper than that of the friendship that is still growing between my First Officer and I, but the feelings I have towards the Ambassador are those of friendship, respect, admiration, and fatherly affection.

Although I feel most of that towards my Spock, I also feel a great deal more for him, and those are not only the feelings that make him _my_ Spock, but that I am struggling to reconcile and understand. I have to know if they are mine, if they are coming from me, the real me, or if they are born from some influence that the Ambassador's memories and experiences of his relationship with _his_ Jim are having on me.

To that end are the other dreams that I deal with nearly nightly. Those dreams aren't nightmares, but are equally as vivid and sometimes troubling. I experience them from Ambassador Spock's point of view, but because the other Jim – his Jim, is in them, somehow my subconscious can't wrap itself around that and the dreams shift, and I become him, the other me. Its disorienting, discombobulating, its like I am experiencing both his emotions and mine at the same time. I wake up hyperventilating, sweating, sometimes with a scream or a shout in my throat.

The Ambassador says that this is because there is too much stimulation for my mind and body to endure. He wants to try to remove the imprint through a much less invasive form of secondary mind meld, but his duties to the new Vulcan Colony, and my duties as Captain of the Enterprise and our ongoing liaison missions to the many planets in the federation also struggling to deal with the events surrounding the Narada, the loss of Vulcan, not to mention the ongoing peace and treaty talks with the Romulan Government, have kept us both very busy, and unable to meet in person.

At this point it's all Starfleet can do to prevent war from breaking out with the Romulans over the incident. This whole time travel thing is very hard for some to grasp. What they know is that a Romulan ship destroyed a Klingon armada, Vulcan and threatened to destroy all the planets in the Federation. Trying to convince some of the more warlike cultures both in and out of the Federation, like the Klingons, that present day Romulus had nothing to do with the incident, has been not unlike talking to a wall, and then proceeding to bang your head against said wall until it bleeds. Your head, not the wall...

Since it will be some time before the Ambassador and I can meet face to face again, I have been practicing daily meditation using the Vulcan techniques the Ambassador has been teaching me. His only other helpful suggestion was to have Scotty install some soundproofing algorithms to my cabin's environmental controls, which I have done.

Scotty wasn't too happy with me when I made the request. I think he thought I wanted to bang that new Yeoman in engineering, the hot leggy blond, who in his opinion is stacked. I admit she has some admirable assets, but I don't think he believed me when I tried to assure him that my interests lie elsewhere, and that I wouldn't be invading on his territory. If he did believe me it was because he thought I was talking about Nyota, and he knows how Nyota feels about me and doesn't approve. I wasn't, but he doesn't need to know that.

In any event I was again grateful to Ambassador Spock for the suggestion when I awoke at 3am this morning screaming out Spock's name. This dream had been particularly disturbing. It was a combination of the nightmare of Spock's experiences with Pon Farr after rebirth on the Genesis planet and the other dreams, the dreams of his onsets of Pon Farr before and after that incident.

What started out as painful and confusing, agonizing and intensely emotional, with feelings anguish and of being out of control, gave way to feelings of perplexity, bewilderment, then love and devotion.

It became a dream recounting the intensity of the sexual nature of Pon Farr, and the ferocity and depth of complete blending through mating during Pon Farr between Spock and his bonded mate, his T'hy'la...me...the other me... _his _Jim.

Mating during Pon Farr is more than just sex. It is the time of joining, becoming one with your bonded mate, mind body and soul, but yes, there is sex. Intense animalistic sex. Great sex. Mind blowing sex. I haven't even actually had it, but my mind is blown, completely.

So yes I woke up screaming Spock's name, in ecstasy,shaking, sweating, hyperventilating, again...and very glad no one had heard me. Try explaining that one right? No thanks.

I immediately set up the meditative candles.. I was due on the bridge at 0700 and it would take me nearly that long to shake it off and get grounded. It was clear I still had a lot to work through.

The first time I had a dream about the Ambassador and his T'hy'la, I was, well I'll admit, freaked out. I woke him with a frenzied and somewhat angered call imploring him to explain what the Hell I was dealing with and why he hadn't mentioned it before.

After profuse apologies the Ambassador admitted that he was hoping that those memories hadn't transferred to me, or that they wouldn't surface, and had felt that unless they did, it wouldn't be prudent to provide me with explanations of things that may not have any bearing on my life.

Of course this enraged me.

_"No b__earing!"_ I had screamed at him. _"If you think that Spock and I are so much like you and your Jim then isn't it inevitable that we would develop the same relationship? How could it have no bearing? Why wouldn't you warn me?"_

He explained to me that though we were very similar the sexual nature of his former relationship was not necessarily inevitable for me and my Spock. That extenuating circumstances had unknowingly bonded them, but that they had been unaware of that fact for many years, and that although they had developed a great love and admiration for one another, may never have acted romantically or otherwise on those feelings, had it not become apparent that the unintentional bonding had taken place.

Of course this explained nothing for me and did little to calm me down. I ranted and raved for another five or ten minutes about how little it explained and how damned inconsiderate it was of him to be so damned vague and ended up threatening him, telling him that if he didn't get his green blooded pointy eared self to the point and right damn quickly I was going to come through the vid screen and intentionally bond myself to his throat till he choked to death.

When I paused to look at him he had a wry little smile tweaking the corners of his mouth and simply insinuated that I may have been spending too much time in the company of Dr. McCoy recently. To which I called him a smartass and told him to start explaining, with details and vivid clarity.

He recounted Vulcan bonding rituals. He explained to me that Vulcans are bonded through a series of compatibility tests at age seven and it is to this bonded mate that they develop a telepathic link and stay bonded to until the time of marriage when that bonding is to be completed through Vulcan marriage ceremony.

It is this bonded mate who they crave and are drawn to mate with with each onset of Pon Farr. The first onset usually occurs between 14 and 17 years of age and then every seven years afterwards. Normally the first onset of Pon Farr is very minimal in its symptoms and is quelled with meditation. The second and third onset of Pon Farr varies.

For those who complete the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr, and purge all emotion the effects of Pon Farr may continue to be minimal throughout their lives and the second and third expected onsets never truly manifest. The level of one's ability to suppress or purge all emotions is a determining factor, along with genetics and lineage.

The fourth expected onset of Pon Farr would occur sometime in an Adult Vulcan's 30's depending on what age the first minimal onset began shortly after puberty. Many things can affect the timing of this fourth onset, but it is the most intense of all onsets of Pon Farr. It is at this time that a date is usually set to solidify the bonding between bonded mates through the Vulcan marriage ceremony. Most Vulcans do experience this fourth onset to some degree even if they have completed the discipline of Kolinahr.

For those who have not completed the discipline of Kolinahr, second and third onsets of Pon Farr vary depending on the individual ability to suppress emotion along with hereditary factors. Some experience little to nothing just as those who complete the discipline of Kolinahr, while others can experience very intense symptoms and find it hard to quell the Pon Farr through meditation alone.

In these cases it is permissible to mate with one's aduna – or life partner/bonded mate in the event that the meditation does not work in order to prevent the plak tow, or blood fever, which can lead to death, and it is inadvisable to enter Pon Farr without being bonded. The telepathic link between bondmates acts as a seratonin inhibitor and helps to alleviate the symptoms of Pon Farr. Though it is possible to form a bond once Pon Farr has begun, it is unlikely to find true compatibility without first conducting the proper tests and the mating may not quell the Pon Farr if an incompatibility prevents the two from becoming one during the coupling.

Ambassador Spock himself had only experience minimal symptoms with his first Pon Farr and little to nothing in the subsequent seven year expected onsets. He thought that because he was half human, his genetics and lineage might spare him from ever experiencing true Pon Farr. However he had not completed the discipline of Kolinahr, electing to enlist in Starfleet academy instead, and he did come into full Adult Pon Farr as expected when the time that his fourth seven year cycle was reached.

The Ambassador had been bonded to a Vulcan female named T'Pring, and upon the onset of his fourth Pon Farr they were to be married. She had however taken a lover in the meantime. A pure blood Vulcan male named Stonn and wished to be bonded to him.

In such circumstances if one of the bondmates wishes to break the original bond – it must be done through traditional Vulcan ceremony with mutual agreement between bondmates. It is advisable to establish a new link through bonding immediately, so it it proper to give advanced notice to one's bondmate so that new compatibility tests can be conducted before the 'Ceremony of Kash-Farr' to expunge the bonding. 'The Ceremony of Falikal Kali-Farr' would then immediately take place to begin and establish the new bonding and link.

If the bondmate, usually female, who desires to break the bond does not notify their bondmate of their decision not to mate and marry before the onset of fourth Pon Farr and the marriage date is reached, then the bondmate wishing to dissolve the bond can choose a champion and invoke the 'Right of Kali-fee' – and intense and emotional fight to the death between the bondmate suffering from the effects of Pon Farr and the chosen champion.

The winner, or survivor of the challenge, may then choose whether or not to mate and bond with the female. However the very act of participating in the Right of Kali-fee strips the champions of their inhibitions and allows the savage nature of the Vulcan ancestors to be unleashed, because the very participation requires that the participants attempt to violently kill another sentient being. Giving in to the savagery quells the Pon Farr and need for mating subsides if the the victor of the battle was the one who had been suffering from Pon Farr to begin with.

This had happened with T'pring. She had chosen the Kirk of the Ambassador's timeline as her champion, so that her lover would be spared and she would be able to bond with him regardless of the outcome of the battle. She did this knowing that if her Spock were the victor his Pon Farr would be quelled and he would respect her wishes and not attempt to mate or re-bond with her. Ambassador Spock thought that he had killed his Captain, his friend due to a ruse by Dr. McCoy and his infamous hypo sprays. Fortunately the ruse had worked. However the Kali-fee had an unforeseen side effect.

Years later and after researching what the root cause could have been, it was determined that once Kali-fee has been proclaimed and the initial bond broken, a profound emotional incident, especially one involving acts of emotionally charged violence and loss of control of one's emotions, can result in the unintentional bonding upon the person to whom the act of violence is being enacted upon, especially if there is a high level of compatibility between the combatants, there are already emotional ties to that person, or if the act of emotionally charged violence is exacerbated by extreme emotional compromise brought on by loss or despair.

Ambassador Spock had deduced that not only was there a high level of compatibility between them, but the combination of the participating in Kali-fee, and the utter despair he felt and subsequently internalized when he had been forced to kill his best friend, had unintentionally bonded him to his Jim.

"_The __loss of Jim at my own hand was more than I could deal with."_ he explained. _"I wanted nothing more than to be court martialed and sentenced to death for murdering my own Captain. I was indeed emotionally compromised and experiencing internal agony. It w__as at that moment that I realized I had loved him much more than I had ever loved T'pring. _

_ When I discovered the ruse, and that Jim was alive and well, I was elated, but it was not until years later when I again entered Pon Farr and realize that I was __bonded to him due to the insatiable cravings and urges to mate with him, that I confessed my feelings. Fortunately for me, he returned those feelings. He became my adun or life partner and my T'hy'la from that point on. _

_ We had to re-establish that r__elationship after my rebirth of course, which took much persuading and convincing on his part, but eventually my memories returned. Though by that time I had begun to become amused at his frequent attempts to elicit a romantically emotional response from __me and coerce me into engaging in sexual intercourse with him. I did not immediately share with him the fact that my memories had indeed returned."_

That of course had made me laugh and see the Ambassador in a whole new light. I appreciated his candor, but something had occurred to me while he was telling me his story. When I went back aboard the Enterprise and provoked my Spock into confrontation so that he would admit that he was emotionally compromised, would it have had the same effect?

He'd lost his planet and his mother, he was in despair, and combined this with an act of emotionally charged violence brought on by complete loss of control when he tried to choke me to death. When I brought this up to the Ambassador, he took on a slight look of surprise, raising one eyebrow he intertwined his fingers, touching the tips of his index fingers together keeping them extended, he touched the tips of both index fingers to his bottom lip in contemplation. Something I had seen _my_ Spock do on a few rare occasions that seemed to merit more contemplative thought on his part that usual.

_"Indeed you may have a point Jim, "_ he had said _"not only did all of those things occur, but upon the destruction of Vulcan, T'Pring did perish as she is not among the survivors, which severed the bond and the telepathic link between she and my younger self. _

_ With the link severed, he w__ould have experienced and immediate rise in serotonin and dopamine, levels as well as a surge in the levels of Cyanochloridrians in his bloodstream, the micro-organisms that lead to the onset of Pon Farr. This combined with his distress would have made i__t difficult to suppress his emotions. _

_ The loss of our mother and the fact that we are half human and loved our mother very much would have exacerbated his condition considerably. I was unaware, when I asked you to provoke him into admitting that he wa__s emotionally compromised, that he had just watched our mother die before his eyes. _

_ His level of emotional compromise was far greater than even I had anticipated, and it seems that I had not taken everything into consideration. Given the circumstances__, his loss of control when you provoked him by suggesting that he never loved our mother, was probably very similar to what I experienced during my fourth Pon Farr when I enacted in the Kali-fee ritual combat."_

_"Wait I thought my Spock was bonded to Nyot__a. Why would T'Pring dying in this timeline have severed any bond or link for him?"_ I had countered.

_"No Jim,"_ he'd explained _"he was bonded to T'Pring. That bond had not yet been broken. As I have now been appointed to the Elders council I have acc__ess to the records of the surviving Vulcans bonded mates so that we may assist in procuring new bondings before the next onsets of Pon Farr for those of us left. _

_ It is not unheard of and more common than one would think that Vulcans can and do have rel__ationships of a romantic and or sexual nature with partners with whom they are not bonded up until the time of fourth Pon Farr and subsequent Vulcan marriage ceremony. T'pring taking Stonn as her lover is a prime example. Furthermore, Nyota and your Spo__ck would be an unlikely compatible bonded pair. _

_ Though he may have romantic feelings toward her, I myself found it very difficult to mind meld with Nyota on the occasions when I tried, there was a certain incompatibility with brain chemistry between us__. This is rare, but happens from time to time with inter-species melding. I doubt that such a true bond between them would be possible. Indeed it may be that given the circumstances, your Spock may have already imprinted and inadvertently bonded to you.__ Only time will tell."_

_"But I won't find out until his fourth seven year cycle, or the time when he'd experience fourth Pon Farr __because __you didn't go through second or third Pon Farr__, right?__"_ I had asked tentatively.

_"Not necessarily," _was his frank reply._ "Circumstances being what they are he may very well not only experience third Pon Farr, but a relatively intense one. His telepathic link was severed with T'Pring, but even if he is bonded to you – the telepathic link is established through mind m__elding during the traditional Falikal Kali-Farr bonding ceremony. _

_ An inadvertent bond establishes some link but not the kind capable of helping to suppress __the symptoms__ of Pon Farr. Without the link his seratonin levels, dopamine levels and the __levels of the Cyanochloridrians that cause the blood fever to spike will continue to slowly rise within the six months prior to his third seven year cycle. If they reach a certain level the onset of Pon Farr is inevitable. _

_ His recent extreme emotional__ compromise and internal struggle over the loss of our mother will only exacerbate his inability suppress his emotions enough to quell the symptoms that lead to the onset of Pon Farr.__It may even cause his cycle to initiate prematurely.__ Though he should still be able to alleviate the Pon Farr with meditatio__n, it is inadvisable for him to enter Pon Farr without a Falikal Kali-Farr ceremony and an established telepathic link."_

_ "What are cyanide chloroxadrins?" _I had asked_ "I've never heard of them?"_

_"Cyanochloridrians Jim. They are a micro-organism pres__ent in Vulcan __blood that develops__ from cyanobacteria present in hemocyanin, somewhat similar to the mitochondria present in human blood that develop from protobacteria in your hemoglobin. However only the way in which they originate is similar. _

_ Your mi__tochondria are essential in metabolism and are present in nearly all eukaryotic cells in the human body. Cyanochloridrians are quite different. It is thought that they were once very __prevalent__ in the the cells of our primitive and savage Vulcan ancestors__. However after the adoption of Surakian teachings we learned to control the emotion centers of the Vulcan brain. The Cyanochloridrians then became dormant. _

_ The levels of Cyanochloridrians can rise minimally in the six months previous to the onset of__ Pon Farr, at which time they spike to dangerous levels. The neuropathic or telepathic link established between bondmates aids in the suppression of the symptoms caused by the Cyanochloridrians."_

_"Uh huh, and they do what exactly?"_

"_They cause an abno__rmal increase in sexual arousal and desire, as well as a predilection towards giving into emotions with an increased propensity towards anger and violence. During adult Pon Farr it becomes excessively difficult to suppress emotions, especially those of an__ger or a violent nature. The levels sexual arousal and desire increase to point that the urge to mate is overwhelming."_

All of these things ran through my head yet again as I attempted to meditate, ground myself, and sort out my feelings. Knowing that my Spock might be entering into his third cycle of Pon Farr at any time did nothing to alleviate my stress. Another bit of information I had gleaned from the Ambassador as we talked about the consequences of the possibility that this bonding had occurred.

I would have to talk to Spock soon. I would have to come to terms with my feelings towards him and whether or not they were my own before I could decide if a permanent bond between us was something I wanted. Ultimately it would be his decision how to handle his Pon Farr, and the whole bond, link, dilemma, but he needed facts and I needed resolve.

I concentrated on the source of my new found attraction to my First Officer. Was it prevalent simply because I had experienced some of the Elder Spock's memories through my dreams, or would these feelings have surfaced on their own eventually? I analyzed it.

I often found myself watching Spock on the bridge during down time while traveling from one system to another. I admired his slender form, graceful fingers, and the intensity of his gaze when he was concentrating on his work. I found nearly everything about him fascinating. When he would catch my eye and our gazes would lock, it would often make me catch my breath. A nod of acknowledgment from him sent a strange tingle through me as well.

I especially got a charge out of beating him at chess. I found it immensely satisfying on so many levels. Spock after all was the Academy Chess Champion three years running. Undefeated. No one beat him, no one challenged him. Although he no longer participated in tournaments after accepting his teaching position at the Academy, his record still prevailed.

The fact that I could beat him unnerved him. Especially when we played in the rec room and crowds gathered. Chekov and Sulu's comments at my lack of prowess at chess when playing against anyone other than Spock seemed to particularly spark emotion and suspicion in the dark eyes staring at me over the chess board.

It was true – I was a _fair_ chess player – I held my own, but I was no master. So how did I continually beat the master? I knew him, I knew how he was thinking, I anticipated his moves, I knew what buttons to push, I knew that the key was to be illogical with my strategy so that he couldn't anticipate my moves.

I didn't win every time, but the rate seemed to be holding at right around 50% give or take. It mystified Spock to no end and gave me a very arousing charge. So arousing that I usually had to return to my quarters and take a cold shower after an especially tense chess match. Cold showers and chess matches just shouldn't go together in the same sentence, but they did.

That was the thing. Those were _my_ thoughts, _my_ feelings. Especially the ones I had in the shower. They weren't brought on by a dream or a memory. That would hardly make any sense anyway. The dreams always began from Elder Spock's perspective, and were his feelings towards his Jim. He wasn't attracted to himself, and neither was I for that matter. So these feelings couldn't be coming from him, they had to be mine.

Further more, if I wasn't predisposed to feeling this way the dreams would have been even more disturbing and I would have been put off by them, even disgusted by them, instead of letting my subconscious manipulate them and turn them so that they ended from my own perspective. If I didn't feel that way towards Spock myself I definitely wouldn't be so aroused by them either.

So they are mine.

All these things I've been feeling towards Spock, _my_ Spock, the attraction, the arousal, the affection, it isn't because of the Ambassador at all. Well his experiences and memories certainly elicited the feelings in me to begin with and probably caused them to materialize sooner than they would have naturally, but the point is, they **would have **naturally materialized sooner or later – because they were mine.

That realization was the turning point in my meditation. After that I was able to calm my nerves and begin to separate myself from my dreams and from Elder Spock's memories. I began to feel a peace that I had not yet been able to attain through my attempts at meditation. In fact a true separation between myself, who I was, and what the Ambassador had imprinted on my mind began to emerge.

I was able to truly make that distinction and find a way to push the thoughts and memories that were not my own to the back of my mind, they were there, accessible, but there was no longer a question to my conscious mind who's thoughts and emotions were in control of me. They were mine and mine alone.

Any influence Ambassador Spock's imprinted thoughts had on me were just that, an influence that I could take and learn from what I chose and only what I chose. A feeling of tranquility washed over me and all of the stress and tension seemed to melt away. For the first time I felt balanced and centered and sure of who I was. I was nearly to a point of perfect content and ready to return to alert consciousness when the chime of my cabin door's intercom sounded.

My eyes snapped groggily open as if I had been woken from a dream. I felt a small wave of dizzy disorientation wash over me as the chime sounded again. I reached to my desk and found the panel of buttons that controlled my interface with environmental controls and cabin functions, including communications, found the button to the intercom and hit it clumsily.

"Yeah?" I snapped. A hesitant voice that I recognized as that of my first officer responded.

"Pardon me Captain, I...hope you will forgive the intrusion, but the computer interface indicated that you were not asleep."

My response of "Yeah, no... I'm…uh, not.... Asleep I mean..." was met with silence. I tried to focus – knowing I would need a few more minutes of meditation in order to realign my consciousness I continued. "Did you need something Spock?"

"Yes Captain. Again I apologize for any intrusion. There is a matter of importance which I wished to discuss with you privately. However, if this is not a convenient time, perhaps you could check your schedule and determine a meeting time that would be more appropriate."

"Spock just come in," I said as I hit the button to release the door lock and permit him to enter.

He stepped in hesitantly and I immediately locked the door behind him. As I looked up at him he stiffened slightly and paled. It was apparently shocking to him to find me engaged in what was unmistakably Vulcan meditation and not simply just some form of meditation I had learned on Earth.

The Ambassador had sent me several things to help in my journey. Among them were a Vulcan meditation lamp and stone, and many Vulcan meditation candles and incense sticks. They were all replicated but served their purpose well. He stared at me with apprehension and incomprehension, hands clasped behind his back looking very uncomfortable.

"I was not aware that humans engaged in, or had such intricate knowledge of Vulcan Meditation techniques." he stated.

"They don't," I responded a bit more sharply than I had intended. To that I was graced with the usual tilt of the head and raised eyebrow that told me I had just further perplexed my First Officer. "I'm going to need a couple more minutes here Spock, but then I promise, I'm all yours."

"I have no intention of interfering with your personal meditation Captain. I should not have presumed that because you were not asleep, you were at my disposal. I will leave you as you were with my deepest and most humble apologies," he said as he turned to go.

"Hey, you aren't interrupting, really. I was almost done. I just need a minute or two more I swear. Just, sit down and give me two minutes okay, three tops."

"I am sorry but I cannot impose on you any further than I already have Captain."

He was starting to irritate me, and as I was still a little, off, from being startled out of a deep meditative state, I'm afraid I did snap at him this time.

"Spock! For the last time, when it's just you and me, it's **Jim**, and I said...sit...down!"

That shut him up. Fast too. It must have also thrown him for a loop because this time I got the head tilt in the opposite direction and got both eyebrows raised at me. He also sat down immediately. Spock isn't usually one to immediately do what he's told where I'm concerned. His job after all is to question me, which he does, to no end. I suspect he secretly enjoys it. A lot.

It took me a bit more than the three minutes I'd requested just to get back into the meditation to the point I'd been at, and another ten to fully center myself using the Cycles of 10 breathing technique, and come to a fully alert and conscious state. I winced when I saw the clock. I jumped up, raised the lights and started blowing out candles.

"Sorry about that Mr. Spock. I didn't intend to take that long. Now what can I do for you?" I got the raised eyebrow at the Mr. Spock, which made me grin from ear to ear and I gave him a little wink to boot.

He secretly enjoyed questioning my every order. I secretly enjoyed insisting that he call me Jim and then immediately calling him Mr. Spock. It antagonized him. I liked antagonizing him, but at least now I knew why. That raised eyebrow I got when I threw him off a little, turned me on. Now that I was beginning to be okay with the fact that he did things that turned me on, I was damn well going to enjoy it.

He joined me and began helping with the candles and incense as if it were routine, and launched into some boring spiel about the increasingly erratic weather patterns on Alpha 177 where we were scheduled to conduct a geological survey mission in two weeks.

It was obviously not what he had come here to talk to me about, but catching me in the middle of Vulcan meditation and being offered no explanation had probably unnerved him and caused him to reconsider telling me whatever it was. To cover, he was feeding me a line full of Vulcan bull. So being me, I decided to push him a bit farther.

I gave him some 'uh huh's' and 'I see's' and did my share of pretending to follow his ever so long winded explanation of , whatever it was he thought he was explaining. As I did this I went about my usual routine of getting ready for work, making the bed, pulling up the day's itinerary from the computer and transferring it to my datapad, setting out my uniform, that sort of thing. Then I headed for the bathroom and to my surprise he followed.

"Go ahead and keep talking Spock," I encouraged, "I'm just going to jump in the shower, so talk loud." To my further surprise, he shrugged slightly, followed me to the bathroom door and continued his monologue in an increased volume. I went around the corner, shucked my clothes and threw them in the hamper, took care of some other much needed business. Then I grabbed a towel and headed for the shower, which was in very close proximity to the door, by which Spock was standing.

I'd loosely wrapped the towel around my waist before coming back into view of him, but I wasn't really being that careful to hide anything. I glanced up and he quickly averted his eyes, but I could have sworn he was ...checking me out? My first thought was, no way... but then again... huh... interesting.

I turned the water on full blast and that green blooded bastard just kept talking even louder, about nothing. I think he was trying to make some point about the erratic weather patterns making conditions unsafe for the geological survey team and was suggesting that we postpone the mission.

The need for the long winded explanation was again, obviously just to cover the fact that he needed to have something to babble about that sounded important, so that I wouldn't catch on that he had originally come here for some other purpose.

I shut off the water, grabbed the towel off the door and made an attempt to dry off my hair before wrapping it around my waist again. I decided to stay wet and hang the towel really low, just to see what kind of reaction I'd get. I got out and purposely brushed up against him a bit as I went past him to get to my uniform.

It made him catch his breath. I heard it. That sharp little intake, the same sound I made when he caught my eye on the bridge and held my gaze from time to time.

That made me grin even wider, it made me a little tingly too, and it was going to be a good day. I slipped on my boxer briefs with my back to him and pulled them up to my thighs. Then I dropped the towel before they were all the way up and made sure to gave him a little flash of my bare ass before pulling them the rest of the way up. As I finished I turned to agree with whatever mundane point he was making and caught him checking out my ass. YES! There was no mistaking it, he had been checking out my ass. This day was just getting better and better. Score one for Captain Kirk! While I finished dressing I launched into my own spiel.

"Well Spock, you make a good point. If the weather patterns are indicating that it could be dangerous for the survey crew, it might be advisable to postpone the mission, but, as you well know, that's not my call.

We'll notify Starfleet of your findings, however, I just want you to know that when you decided to tell me what it was you really came here to tell me," I said as I gently placed my hand on his shoulder. "I'm here, and I'm ready to listen, and I'll do whatever I can to help."

I was really pushing it touching him like that and I knew it. Vulcans are telepathic through touch after all. It's especially strong through their own touch, because there is a telepathic link for them through their hands and fingers. They initiate mind melds, by touching someone's face with their fingertips, but any touch can allow them to send and/or receive minimal telepathic impressions or connections unless they consciously suppress that as well. Hence the 'Vulcans don't like to be touched' thing. He stared at my hand on his shoulder as if mesmerized by it for a full 10 seconds before slowly responding.

"I am unsure of what you inferring Capt..., Jim. I simply felt it necessary to apprise you of my current findings concerning the impending mission to Alpha 177."

"Bullshit."

His only response to this was another raised eyebrow, his attempt to feign innocence.

"Oh for cryin' out loud Spock, that was the most unconvincing attempt at reassurance I've ever heard. We both know that you didn't just happen by my Cabin at 0430 hours and check to see if by chance I happened to be awake so that you could talk to me about weather patterns."

"Captain I must insist..."

"No Spock I must insist..., that you stop playing dumb. You told me once that Vulcans don't lie, which in itself was a lie, and you don't get a pass because you're half human, so just drop the act and knock it the hell off. This is me you're talking to, your friend, Jim, not some little subordinate who has to believe everything you say even when they think it's a load of crap."

I wasn't trying to be harsh, but it was time that I quit walking on eggshells around him and put him in his place. I needed to let him know that I saw through the games he tried to play with me from time to time and set the precedent for him in no uncertain terms that I knew him better than anyone did, maybe even better than he knew himself, and he had to be nothing less than upfront with me from now on.

A look of shock passed over his eyes before he averted them. He stiffened to a rigid stance and tried to apologize yet again.

"Spock, I'm not looking for an apology, this isn't the Captain reprimanding his First Officer okay? This is me, your friend Jim, telling you that I see through the load of bull you are feeding me. That's all."

I grabbed him gently by both shoulders and waited until he met my gaze. I held it meaningfully for a moment before I continued.

"Look we both know, that you, me, Scotty, and the medical staff are the only personnel aboard this vessel who have been granted authorization codes to access biorhythms or biomedical data from the Cabin interface grids. Scotty only has the codes because of his rank as third in command as Chief Engineer.

You are also aware of the protocol concerning the use of those codes and their intended purpose. I'm not going to sit here and quote protocol to you. You are King of quoting protocol and following it to the letter, so for you to break protocol and use your authorization code to determine whether or not I was awake this early in the morning, meant it was personal and it was important.

Weather patterns are something you would have discussed with me and anyone else around, over breakfast in the mess hall. Not something you would have needed to speak to me in private about at 4:30 in the morning. That is what you said right? That there was a matter of importance which you needed to speak to me privately about?"

Spock let out a sigh but retained my gaze.

"Yes Captain, I believe you are correct. That is the statement I made when I requested admittance to your quarters, however..."

"However nothing. I'm not going to push you on this point Spock. Finding me in the middle of what is obviously Vulcan meditation threw you off, I get that. Then I made you sit there and wait while I finished and you obviously had time to rethink whatever it was you wanted to talk to me about. That's okay.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's your business, but if it was important enough for you to come and talk to me about at 4:30 a.m., it was very important and it's still important. Not just important to you, but important to me as well. I'm just saying that when and if you decide you still need to talk to me about it, I'll be here, and if I can help, I will.

You don't have to pretend that you came here for some other reason, not now, not ever. Just tell me how it is you know? Like, 'hey Jim, I decided it might be better to talk to you about this later'. I'll understand. I might bug you about it a little, because that's how I am, but I'll understand. My point is you don't have to pretend with me Spock, not about this, not about anything, not with me. Do you get what I'm saying?" I asked gently.

I really tried to drive that point home. I looked at him the way I'd never looked at him before, trying to get across all the unsaid things I wanted to say to him, trying to make him understand that I cared about him, cared about him more than he could possibly comprehend.

Somehow as I stood there my hands resting on his shoulders, looking into his eyes, I felt him relax, and in that moment I wasn't just looking into his eyes, it was like I was looking into his soul. There was the tiniest spark, as if our minds connected for one brief second and I knew that he did understand. I knew that the feelings I was trying to convey to him, of friendship, and loyalty, desire, and maybe even love, were transmitted through my touch and my gaze, and he felt it.

The stiffness and feigned air of duty he was trying to purvey simply melted away and it was no longer Captain Kirk and Commander Spock standing there, just Spock and Jim. His hands, which he'd been stiffly clasping behind his back, came around and he raised them to lightly take a hold of my forearms.

"I believe...I do understand Jim..." he said with a quizzical but much softer look on his face, and even the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. "I must apologize if I insulted your intelligence with my ruse, it was not my intention. It seems that I have once again underestimated you. You seem to...read me…in a way that no one else, besides my mother, has ever been able to. It is ... fascinating. I will endeavor to remember this for future reference, and I promise you, I will not make the mistake again."

His gaze softened even more so for just a second before he finally broke contact with me and stepped back towards the door, his eyes seemed to smile at me and I felt it clear to my toes. I'd wanted to push his boundaries with the touching on purpose as an experiment, to see how far he'd let me go.

I'd been surprised that he'd let it go on so long, and shocked when not only seemed to react positively to it, but returned the gesture. My arms were still tingling from where he'd lightly made contact with me.

I knew he could touch without establishing any telepathic feeling or connection, he just had to be in control of what he was sending or receiving through his hands, so the fact that I was tingling meant he was purposely transmitting something. Something tingly. It was unexpected, yet very welcomed, and yeah, it turned me on. Damn this was turning into a good day! I just smiled at him and let him continue talking.

"As for my original reason for needing to speak to you at such an early hour, your foresight in analyzing the situation is quite accurate. I did indeed decide that it might no longer be prudent to discuss the matter with you after having several minutes to rethink the situation during your conclusion of the cycles of 10 breathing, which you performed more than adequately I might add," for Spock, that was quite a compliment. "I had come to you hoping for some insight into a difficult decision I must make, but had found that it was easier to make than I had anticipated. In fact, I am quite sure now that the decision I am contemplating is a sound one. I must extend thanks to you for your help in the matter."

"Help? I didn't do anything."

"On the contrary Jim," he countered, his eyes still smiling at me, "you did much more to help me that you realize. There is however, something else you could do that would be most beneficial to my decision making process. I have one more test that I would like to conduct, but it would require a sacrifice on your part."

"Sacrifice huh? Like I said, if I can help, I'd be glad to."

"Then, if I could impose, I would request that you stop by my lab later this afternoon and allow me to prick your finger."

"Prick my fing.....what?"

"For the test I wish to conduct I require a drop of your blood. If you are averse to this inquiry I assure you that is not completely necessary, I simply thought it would be advantageous to have all the pertinent data available at my disposal in order to solidify my decision."

"Uh huh...okay well, like I said whatever you need. You want a drop of my blood, you got it. Are you going to fill me in on what exactly it is you need it for?"

"No, not at this time," he said with a mischievous glint.

"Fair enough. Breakfast?" I said with a grin as I exited into the corridor.

"Indeed."


	2. New Divide

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings****: **It's slash. Don't like it don't read it. Nothing graphic just a few lusty thoughts.

**Author's Note****:** Wow – so… SORRY this took so long – Spock is so hard to write. Plus – I had definite ideas where I wanted this to go and as per usual the dang thing just started writing itself and doing whatever the heck it wanted – so now I' m gonna have to deal with the consequences and try and get the story back on track so it goes where I wanted it to go in the first place - in the next chapter.

But – my birthday present to ME was to get this dang chapter finished and up for you guys because you rock with your reviews and support. Seriously!

Hope you like it – and I hope I captured Spock's voice. Whew – wow – SO hard!

* * *

**K-S Chp. 2 New Divide**

The past six months have proven to be many things. They have ranged from challenging, irksome, and difficult, to being surprising and even enjoyable at times. It has been a continuous journey of self discovery. It is a journey which I ponder at length during my meditations.

Coming to terms with the loss of Vulcan, and my Mother, has proven to be an endeavor fraught with difficulty. Though I am no longer emotionally compromised, I have not been able to rid myself of the pain and loss that plague my dreams. The sorrow lessens with each new day but is still very prevalent and seems to have invaded the very core of my being, taking up permanent residence there as if it is itself a sentient being of immutable nature whose parasitic presence will never be expunged.

Far and away the most difficult task I have had to undertake, has been attempting to suppress the onslaught of emotions I found myself dealing with on a daily basis, especially in those early days. As I am half human, suppressing my emotions has always been exceptionally difficult, and something I have had to apply much more arduous and diligent attention to, than that of my pure blood Vulcan brethren.

I understand that the experiences surrounding the incident with the Narada, the loss of Vulcan and my mother, were exceptionally emotionally exacerbating, leading me to experience intense anger, frustration, despair and even guilt. I also understand that my ensuing emotional compromise was unavoidable. However, I have had difficulty comprehending why months afterward, the memories of the incident should continue to illicit such an emotional backlash.

It has been as if there is some other factor at work, beyond my control, that I have yet to discover. Taking that possibility into account led me to undertake a great deal of what humans refer to as 'soul searching', and personal investigation. At first I could only postulate theories as to what the unknown force that was beyond my grasp could be.

I began nightly meditation sessions, which is something even I had never undertaken before. I even consulted with Ambassador Selek, as to whether or not he had ever experienced anything similar, or had any advice as to how I should proceed. Ambassador Selek, my elder counterpart from the future was very helpful, but provided little as far as specific information. He has chosen the name Selek, though all of the remaining Vulcan Elders and highest ranking officers in Starfleet are aware of his true identity. I find it much more convenient in differentiating between the two of us to refer to him by this name, rather than my own.

It was clear that Selek knew something that he chose not to convey to me. I confronted him and asked if it would not be more prudent to share such knowledge with me if it would be beneficial to me or give me insight into determining what course to follow.

He simply explained that he thought it would be more beneficial if I were to ascertain the answers I sought on my own, rather than dwelling on information I gleaned from him, that might prove to be only mere speculation on his part. He did encourage me to share any postulations I formed with him so that we might, through discussion, be able to ascertain a more solid proof, rather than speculation or theory.

Selek was however able to help with my meditations, teaching me techniques in deeper meditation that I had not learned because I had elected to enter Starfleet rather than the Vulcan Science Academy, and had therefore had not undergone the completion of the discipline of Kolinahr, which is a very long and involved process.

It is during this process that one becomes immersed in the techniques of the deepest meditations and learns to commune with one's own Katra. These were the techniques that Selek shared with me. They would not purge my emotions, but would allow me to balance them and ground myself.

It was during this time that he asked a favor of me. He had left everything that was his behind in his own time, and found himself, in his old age, reminiscent of the life he had left. Though he knew that all of the Vulcans who survived the destruction of Vulcan were in a similar predicament, he also recognized that he was in a unique position. Some of those material possessions which held great sentimental value for him, were things from his youth, which he knew held the same sentimental value for me, though sentiment was a very human emotion and not one I would admit to possessing had it been anyone else.

Among these things were the Vulcan Meditation lamp and stone presented to me on my seventh birthday by my Father. They had once belonged to his grandfather and were handed down to me as I entered into the age of first bonding. Selek asked if I might replicate these and several other trinkets given to me by my mother and share them with him.

I pointed out the obvious fact that, though I was willing to do so, they would only be replicas. He countered that a replica, though not the original, would serve as a more substantial and tangent comfort than a mere memory, which at his age was fading. To see and to touch something familiar, even if it were not the real thing, would help him to ground himself. I could not refuse such a reasonable request. To do so would be selfish, and illogical.

Using the techniques he taught me did indeed alleviate the stress brought on by the onslaught of emotions. I found away to balance them and disassociate myself from them as if they were a separate entity. Though it took continuous effort, I eventually began to find an inner peace and harmony once again.

Once I began to achieve this I focused on the most prevalent of the emotions in order to try to understand what it was that Selek wished me to discover on my own. This ubiquitous nagging at my subconscious must somehow be connected to the one emotion that continued to elude me. To understand that emotion might be the key to comprehending the root cause.

My ambivalence towards several matters seemed to be the most difficult concept for me to grasp and reconcile. Therefore focusing on that ambivalence seemed to be the logical path toward finding a solution. I chose to first focus on the most nagging issue and find a resolution before moving on to the next.

There was of course my continued ambivalence towards my decision to remain with Starfleet. While it was true that in a sense I could be in two places at once, my elder counterpart was not me. Though we share the same DNA we are two different people.

I do appreciate the fact that his age and wisdom affords the New Vulcan Colony with far more assistance than I myself could provide if I were there. Yet I still questioned whether or not I was shirking my duties and responsibilities to my people by not being there myself. However, my people are not just those of the Vulcan race, as I am half human.

I remain loyal to my commitments to Starfleet, and the Enterprise by remaining on board as First Officer, but as I first began to explore my inner conflict over this matter, I wondered if there were those among the remaining Vulcan survivors who would question my loyalties because I have chosen to remain with Starfleet and not assist with the efforts to establish the colony on New Vulcan?

This conflict has been disturbing yet I am confident even now that the decision I have made is the right one. If Selek is correct in his assumption that my growing friendship with James Kirk is of the utmost importance to the future of Starfleet and the Federation, then it is with Starfleet that I must remain.

Starfleet suffered significant losses in the engagement with the Narada as well, and there is still much work to be done in rebuilding efforts within the Federation. As a Starfleet officer, it could be said that I have just as much obligation to aid in the rebuilding of the Federation and Starfleet itself, as I do to my Vulcan brethren.

Our diplomatic endeavors are of particular importance in peace keeping efforts at this time and I must admit that Captain Kirk and I have proven to be an effective team in those endeavors. My scientific knowledge and logical approach in combination with his human wit and charm have indeed proven to be a prevailing factor in several tense diplomatic mediations between conflicted governments.

After, much pondering and meditation on the subject, I reached the conclusion that my place is indeed aboard the Enterprise as a Starfleet officer, despite my feelings of obligation to New Vulcan. Any assistance I can offer to the establishment of the colony there can just as easily be filled by any number of volunteers within the Federation support system. My position as Commander and First Officer of the bridge crew of the Enterprise could not be filled by just anyone. So I will stay, and find other ways to assist with the efforts on New Vulcan.

Once I was reasonably sure that my decision was firm. I moved on to the next subject towards which I felt a great deal of ambivalence, the death of my mother. The manner in which I lost her was extremely traumatic. The memory of it continues to torment the part of my soul that is wholly human.

So many nights I find myself reliving the moment of watching the ground cave in between us, while instantaneously finding myself standing on the transporter pad aboard Enterprise trying to grasp what was no longer there. I often find that I have awakened quite suddenly, sitting upright upon my bed, my arm stretched out in front of me, reaching for…darkness…shadows…nothing. The blackened void I stare into for that brief moment after waking, seems as dark and lifeless as the singularity that swallowed Vulcan just moments after….she slipped away from me.

To say the dreams are troublesome would be a gross understatement. Meditation is usually necessary before I am able to sleep once again. Yet even if I am able to achieve a natural state of suspended consciousness, I find that I am in a very disagreeable state throughout the next day.

The illusory mental images, emotions and sensations conjured by my subconscious mind during sleep seem to linger and leach onto my consciousness, encroaching upon my thoughts and harassing my very existence until I can no longer suppress or ignore them. At these times I become agitated, easily distracted, and my concentration falters. I feel as though my thoughts are taking on tangibility as if they were some kind of gelatinous substance oozing and seeping out of my pores into the open air where everyone can see them. In these moments I excuse myself from whatever task I am undertaking, if at all possible, and either seek refuge in my quarters, where I can immerse myself in meditation, or I wander into the observation deck, where I can find a quiet corner and be alone with my thoughts.

It was on such an occasion, when I encountered Dr. McCoy occupying the area in which I usually seek solitude. He seemed to be deep in thought, so I quickly tried to apologize for my intrusion and dismiss myself. He would have none of that. Somehow he sensed a difference in me, though I was sure that I was showing no emotion.

He urged me to sit down and then tried to engage me in conversation. Though I did sit, at first I said little, or nothing. However he somehow convinced me to share with him what was troubling me. I am still unsure how he did this. I know that he did not use the tactic of 'pulling rank' as CMO that he often applies with the Captain. What I do know is that he seemed genuinely and uncharacteristically concerned. Perhaps this unprecedented circumstance caught me off guard, but for whatever reason, I soon found myself openly sharing my discontent and aggravation with Dr. McCoy, as if he were a trusted confidant with whom I often shared deep and personal conversations.

His advice was again, uncharacteristically kind, and composed of the wisdom of a man twice his age. Though the Doctor and I do not always see eye to eye, I do respect his abilities and his knowledge in the medical field. I also respect his opinions, though I do not always agree with them, and I believe that his tact in delivering them is somewhat lacking at times. I gained even more respect for him on that occasion, for what he said has given me a great deal to ponder, and allowed me to find peace within myself, not just concerning my ambivalence towards my Mother's death, but towards my own heritage, and towards accepting myself for who I am, and not what others expect me to be.

Somehow he explained to me, in a way I had never been able to fully accept, that there was no shame in not being fully Vulcan. He showed me that it was perfectly acceptable to be proud of the fact that my mixed heritage allowed me to experience my emotions in ways that full blood Vulcans or full blood humans never would. In effect, I had the best of both worlds.

Humans are an emotional race, and their emotions often triumph over logic when making dire decisions, they let their emotions control them, in circumstances where they should not. Vulcans have learned to suppress their emotions so that they can control their emotions and allow logic to prevail. However, in doing so, they often rule out situations and circumstances in which allowing ones emotions to influence their decisions might prove to be optimum choice.

I have a unique perspective, because I am both Human and Vulcan. I am skilled at suppressing my emotions, but I have the gift of being able to experience my emotions on a level that most Vulcans never have, and never will. That is what the Doctor called it, a gift. I had never been presented with that perspective before. I found it, and still find it, very intriguing. I had always seen it as a curse, and not even my own mother had been able to convince me otherwise. However, having lost her, I now cherish the lessons she tried to teach me, even more so, and her words echo in my ears along with Leonard's.

I have taken to calling Dr. McCoy by his first name whenever we are alone. I find comfort in the familiarity. We have become quite close by Vulcan standards, though we have agreed never to admit this in public. We both tend to find some amusement in the standard bickering that we engage in whenever others are around. This is especially true whenever the Captain is part of the 'public'. He seems to find it entirely irksome that we seem not to get along. Since we find him entirely irksome on many given occasion, our bickering banter seems ironically appropriate.

Perhaps someday we will share with him the fact that we do not always grate on each other's nerves. Or perhaps we shall continue to keep it to ourselves. It is of little consequence and he may even now suspect that much of our banter is a ruse, but this odd relationship that Leonard and I have, is comfortable for us, so it will remain as it is regardless of whether or not Jim is any the wiser.

The end result of my conversation with Leonard on the observation deck, concerning my Mother, was that I came to terms with the fact that I am allowed to have loved her as much as I did. That it is quite alright for me to miss her and to mourn her and that I need not feel any guilt for doing so. She was my Mother, and she was human, she would be proud of me for allowing myself to feel love and remembrance for her, to experience wholly the human emotion of grief.

Now when I remember her, it is not with the pain and sorrow and mixed feelings I once did, but more often with a happiness and fondness I did not know existed within me. I remember cherished times spent with her, and in my quarters, when I am alone, these memories make me smile.

Having completely come to terms with my mother's death and not having found the answers I was looking for in doing so I turned my attention to my new found ambivalence towards my relationship with Nyota.

I knew that it would not be fair to her to continue a relationship to which I was not fully committed yet I felt torn. I cared a great deal for Nyota, as I still do, and always will, and I did not want to lose her friendship and companionship. She is a great source of comfort to me in many circumstances and at many times. To end our relationship would cause her a great deal of pain, and that was something I could not bear to do. Yet as time passed, she seemed to sense the change in me. I suppose I had become more distant with her emotionally and I had withdrawn from physical contact with her.

I pondered what about my growing indifference to Nyota could be causing this unknown force to wreak havoc with my soul, but I could find nothing. Other than the fact that I would be internally saddened to hurt Nyota emotionally, and to lose her friendship, there was nothing else there beyond the obvious.

Eventually it was Nyota herself who solved this dilemma for me. One night she sat me down and told me that she had noticed how withdrawn I had become from her. The conversation was predictable, aside from one thing, she asked me, if my feelings toward her had changed because of the Captain. I found that comment very strange and assured her that I had no idea to what she was referring. By the end of the conversation I had disclosed everything to her and we agreed that it would be best to end our romantic involvement. She did not however become overly upset with me, for which I am grateful, and we remain close, which is what I wanted. I could not have asked for a better outcome. Nyota deserves to find someone who will love her completely and I believe that she now can do that.

When I still had not found my answers I began revisiting each issue during my meditations. The one thing I kept coming back to was the comment Nyota had made about the Captain. I found that I could not escape it and it seemed to be prevalent in my daily thoughts. Finally I asked her why she had said it. She told me that it was obvious to her that I harbored feelings for Jim of a romantic nature. I found this curious.

When I asked her to clarify, she explained to me in great detail how my behavior around him was different, albeit unnoticeable to anyone but her. She listed the many things that I did or said that seemed to indicate romantic interest, and by the time she was done, I found that I could not argue that her conclusions were illogical.

Although I could not deny that Nyota's observations had merit, I also could not understand why I would behave as I did. Thus began the journey of self discovery which has brought me to my current state. It was during this journey into understanding my ambivalence towards my apparent feelings towards James Tiberius Kirk that I finally began to suspect what it was that had been eluding me.

At first I explored why my behavior towards James would be different than how I behave toward any other crew members. Many theories could explain my behavior. He is the Captain, and I am his First Officer, we are a command unit and therefore must trust each other explicitly. This however did not explain why my gaze lingered on his bright smile, and twinkling blue eyes, nor did it explain why I secretly cherished those moments when that smile was directed solely at me.

Eventually I decided that Nyota's conclusion was sound, and that I did indeed have romantic inclinations towards James Kirk. This did not however, solve, or help my problem. If anything it made the problem worse. I knew that he preferred women and that there was no hope that he would return my feelings, and therefore acknowledging them or making advances towards him would be futile, yet I could not let them go.

I found myself becoming increasingly distracted by his presence, especially when we were off duty, but at times it seemed to interfere with my concentration at work as well. If I had not known better, I would have thought that he was aware of this, and found it amusing. He seemed to delight in the rare occasion when he was able to catch me off guard as it were. I found this irritating.

After an exceptionally irritating shift, I found myself in my quarters pacing the floor with nervous agitation. I could not understand how James Kirk continued to get under my skin the way he did. That thought began a domino effect of thoughts about James, and skin, my skin, his skin, our skin touching, of wanting to hold him and breathe in his scent, and feel his strong arms about me. My thoughts then led to his lips and how it would feel to have them pressed against my own, how it would feel to have his lips moving against mine, to feel them parting, to feel our tongues brushing up against each other.

Suddenly I felt my blood boiling with a lust that I had never experienced before. It was not Pon Farr, but it was similar and this is what aroused my suspicions. I should not have been entering the early stages of Pon Farr for another 21 months, Earth standard calendar, yet something was definitely happening coming over me that was beyond my control. I could not understand it. My next Pon Farr would only be my third cycle of Pon Farr and I was hoping that because of my human physiology I would not experience anything at all, and might even be spared full on Adult Pon Farr in my fourth cycle during my 35th year.

Could it be that this is what my Elder counterpart wanted me to discover? I took into account that my bondmate T'Pring had been killed during Vulcan's destruction, and along with Vulcan's destruction, the uncontrollable imperative to mate or die might be prematurely triggered in not only myself but all Vulcans. This premature triggering would be a logical response to the destruction of our home planet and the loss of billions of inhabitants, a self preservation mechanism for a race that was now nearly extinct. It may very well be pulling me into premature Adult Pon Farr though it would be only my fourth cycle.

The lust that overtook me was maddening, but eventually I was able to quell the effects with the meditation techniques of the cycle of ten breathings which Selek had taught me. Afterward I contacted Dr. McCoy. I refused to go to sickbay until he assured me that he would provide me with a private room and would not allow any of the other staff access to me or my records regarding the visit. His scans were conclusive and proved my theory to be correct. Though I was far from entering what would be considered early stages of the onset of Pon Farr, my cyanochloridrian count was indeed elevated.

Leonard had spent some time on New Vulcan after the colonization began and had learned a great deal about Pon Farr, which is normally a subject never discussed with outsiders. I found myself grateful for his newfound knowledge as it saved me a great deal of embarrassment and explanation.

He assured me that according to his data I still had between 5 and 8 months before the true onset of Pon Farr would begin, but that I would need to find a mate before then, because he would be unable to treat the _plaktow _or blood fever that would surely follow if I was unable to mate after the Pon Farr began. His test indicated that at these levels my third cycle of Pon Farr would indeed be likened to full Adult Pon Farr and it would be imperative for me to mate and was most likely a biological trigger preset by evolution to ward off extinction.

This meant that I would have to contact Selek and my Father to have them begin compatibility tests right away and would need to journey to New Vulcan to be bonded to the one whose compatibility was highest by mid November, and would have to request leave until mid February to account for the three month variability.

I knew that I would at some point have to explain to the Captain why an extended leave would be necessary and that I may or may not require the entire 3 month time period, but would contact the ship if I was able to return sooner. When my thoughts once again returned to the Captain, to James, I once again became overwhelmed and longed for him, wishing that it was to him who I could be bonded. I knew this wish was a futile thing, interspecies telepathic compatibility was rare. My Father and Mother were fortunate that they had been quite compatible, but I'd had little compatibility with Nyota, another reason to discontinue the romantic nature or our relationship, bonding to her fully would have proven difficult at best.

The likelihood of my being sufficiently telepathically compatible with James Kirk was slim, but beside the compatibility issue was the man himself. Vulcan's are more than just monogamous, their bonding links each mate to one another for life, and beyond. The telepathic bond is a necessity when mating during Pon Farr, for the blood fever can only be quelled by mating mentally, emotionally and physically and is a very intensive process. Bondmates katras are permanently linked to one another and they share everything with one another after marriage and mating. A bondmate must have an understanding of Surakian teachings, Vulcan traditions, and be able to accept the lifestyle of being permanently bonded to a Vulcan if they are not Vulcan themselves.

James Kirk was unbridled, unbroken, and the furthest thing from Vulcan that I could imagine. The thought of him accepting any part of Vulcan traditions or Surakian teachings was a laughable concept. He was wild and unruly and highly illogical, driven by emotion, unpredictable. As for monogamy, his reputation preceded him. Even if he returned my attraction, which I doubted, to ask him to commit fully to me, and only me, for the remainder of his mortal years, was unfathomable, and unthinkable. Yet I could not put the want and the need out of my mind.

Leonard was suddenly beside me again, scanning me and asking me what was wrong. When I tried to assure him that I was fine, he would not hear it. He demanded to know what I was thinking, because my thought process had triggered a spike in my cyanochloridrian count. It was temporary and dropping back below where it had been before, but he needed to understand root cause. Eventually I could no longer evade his questions and had to be frank with him about my thoughts, and my longings, for his best friend.

His theory was that biologically I was already seeking a mate, and that James and I might be quite a bit more compatible than I supposed. I reiterated to him all the reasonings why I had decided that the pairing would be futile and illogical. Though he agreed that my deductions were sound, he asked me not to count James out completely and to consider approaching him, if I thought there were reasons to believe he returned my affection. I agreed to consider it, but only to assuage him. In reality I had no intention of doing any such thing. I had already made my decision, or so I thought at the time.

I contacted Selek as soon as possible and shared with him my discoveries, first that the onset of Pon Farr was being prematurely triggered within me, and that my biological functions were actively seeking a mate, and secondly that the mate my biology seemed to be seeking was James T. Kirk. He was not surprised in the least, and seemed to be somewhat satisfied and amused by my information and assumptions.

He assured me that James T. Kirk was capable of more than I believed him to be where personal relations were concerned, and that if my James were anything like his James, most of his flirtations and reputation were just show, pomp and circumstance. I was inclined to believe that our versions of James were dissimilar. He was not so inclined. It was then that he revealed to me that he and his James had been bonded, though they had been bonded much later in life, and that he had melded with my James on Delta Vega, and knew firsthand how very similar both versions of James were.

In the end he agreed to run compatibility tests for me with the remaining unbonded Vulcan females within the New Vulcan colony, as procreation was necessary for rebuilding the Vulcan race, but encouraged me to investigate and explore the possibility that my James might prove to be a compatible mate after all. I still had misgivings, but faced with such evidence, I had to consider his request.

A little over a month and a half later my longing for James had become more persistent. My Father had found a female on New Vulcan with whom I was suitably compatible and if I wanted to take her as a bondmate and wife, he needed my decision as soon as possible. I knew that not only would I need to make my decision hastily, but if I was to choose this female, I would need to distance myself physically from James Kirk as soon as possible as well, which would mean leaving Enterprise sooner rather than later, and extending my leave. I needed to be sure once and for all whether or not there was any chance that Jim could return my feelings, and could commit to me in the way that I needed him to commit. I had even decided that I would be willing to allow him to forgo monogamy until he was ready to completely commit if there was a chance he would agree to be bonded to me. It would not be easy for me, but I knew that what I would be asking would not be easy for him, and there needed to be a compromise.

I decided to have a frank discussion with him about the possibility of my leaving Enterprise for extended leave, and why, in order to ascertain a final decision. I would gauge his reaction before I approached him about the possibility of…remaining on board, and what that would mean, to both of us.

If he showed no interest or concern, I would leave and accept my fate but if I thought there might be a chance, I would confess my feelings. The worst that could happen was that he would say no, and I would still have the opportunity to leave and be bonded to this female on New Vulcan.

Once I reached my decision I could not sleep. I paced back and forth in my quarters and attempted to meditate, unsuccessfully. By 0420 hours I was dressed and ready for Alpha shift, which would not begin until 0600. I found myself in the corridor outside Jim's door. Impulsively I used my security codes to access the biorhythms on his cabin interface grid and found that he was in a conscious state, which surprised me as I fully expected him to be asleep. I wanted him to be asleep, for that would have given me the excuse to continue on down the corridor to the turbolift and not have the conversation with him that I must.

Reluctantly I pushed the door chime and alerted him to my presence. He sounded odd, and I feared I had interrupted something of an intimate nature and tried to excuse myself, but he would not allow it. When I gained entrance to his quarters, what I found was so shocking, I nearly wished that I had interrupted an intimate encounter instead.

James T. Kirk was sitting in the lotus position, on a Vulcan meditation mat in the middle of the floor, and was in the midst of meditation. Not just any meditation, but Vulcan meditation, which was obvious before he continued with his cycle of 10 breathings technique. I was so shocked that I hardly knew what to say. As I watched him sink into the breathing patterns I took note of his surroundings, the Vulcan meditation candles, and the Vulcan meditation lamp and stone, which were identical to my own. Selek had been keeping important information from me, but it was clear now why his communications and urgings to pursue my investigation as to my compatibility with Jim had become so frequent and persistent.

By the time Jim had completed his cycle of 10 breathings, I was so caught off guard that I no longer felt I could confide in him, and I had decided that I must pursue the possibility of a relationship with him, for it was he whom I desired to be bonded to, and now I knew that if my assumptions about his inability to accept Vulcan traditions and Surakian teachings into his life had been so very wrong, that I was perhaps wrong about his ability to commit to a monogamous relationship as well.

I found myself prattling on about an upcoming mission to Alpha 177. I felt that the weather patterns our initial scans were indicating would place the away team in jeopardy and that it would be prudent to postpone the mission, however in my nervous state I overemphasized my findings at an absurd length. The fact that Jim was wandering around in front of me half naked was not helping matters and I was having a great deal of difficulty resisting the temptation to ogle at his naked torso.

When he stepped out of the shower, still glistening and wet, his towel hanging dangerously low on his hips, he brushed against me as he passed by me to enter his bedroom to dress. I felt my breath catch at the intimate contact, even though my clothing had provided two layers of fabric between us, it was still intoxicating. He had noticed, I was sure, yet he seemed to be pleased by my reaction, which I found fascinating, almost as fascinating as seeing his naked backside before he pulled up his boxer briefs, which also caused me to catch my breath. It was everything I could do to regain composer. He also seemed to notice this, and again, seemed quite pleased. Yet I still could not bring myself to confide in him the real reason for my request to talk to him at this early hour.

He caught me off guard again, when he called my bluff and ostentatiously announced that he knew I had come to him with a personal agenda and had changed my mind because his meditations had surprised me. His perception was remarkable. Yet still I faltered, knowing that this was not the time to open my heart to him.

Finally his sincerity broke my resolve to some extent. As he stood there, lightly clasping my shoulders, staring into my eyes with his intense and hypnotic gaze, assuring me that I had no need to engage in false pretenses with him no matter what my reasoning, I finally understood the full meaning behind his words. It was not his words that told me what I needed so much to know and understand it was the feeling behind those words. As we stood there face to face in full and unbroken eye contact I felt our minds connect, and in that moment whether he knew it or not, he telepathically projected everything his words were not saying to me, and I knew that my decision to stay and pursue him, was the right one. I felt not only his sincerity, and friendship, but his unwavering loyalty and more importantly, his love, and desire for me. It helped me find the courage to drop my defenses and return his contact.

I apologized for insulting his intelligence and remarked on his ability to read me, all the while I was grasping his forearms lightly, enjoying the contact and thinking of the day when I would be able to share with him my own feelings and desires. I am unsure what occurred then. I was not telepathically projecting anything towards him yet by his reaction he perceived some measure of my thoughts or feelings, though I cannot be sure what or to what degree. I found this quite remarkable given that he is not a telepath, nor is he Vulcan. It piqued my curiosity and I decided to conduct a compatibility test of my own.

He agreed to allow me the drop of blood that I needed without question, as if he knew what my reasoning was and needed not to ask. Had he been Vulcan I would have been testing for cyanocloridrian levels. In bonded pairs, the bondmate of the Vulcan male who is entering Pon Farr will also show elevated levels of cyanocloridrians. These levels are elevated to match or mirror the levels of one's mate, due to the link they share. However, Jim is not Vulcan, so unless we had already mated, he would not show any traces of cyanocloridrians in his blood, because his blood is not copper based as my own is.

When a human bonds with a Vulcan, until, and even after they mate, the protobacteria and mitochondria in human hemoglobin often multiply and mirror the rising levels in cyanocloridrians in their bondmate. Once the bondmates copulate, and bodily fluids mix, cyanochloridrians are transferred and mutate a percentage of the mitochondria present to act as cyanochloridrians during Pon Farr so that the human DNA will allow the human bondmate to experience a sympathetic simulation of the symptoms experienced by their Vulcan mate. It is a complex biological process that has yet to be explained by Vulcan or Earth science, for it should not be physiologically possible and our species should not be reproductively compatible, yet they are.

If my theory was correct I needed to detect whether or not James Kirk's mitochondria and protobacteria levels were elevated to mimic my own rising cyanochloridrian count. Once mutated my my cyanochloridrians, the sympathetic symptoms he would experience would not be life threatening to him, only helpful in withstanding the intensity of mating during Pon Farr. However before that occurred if his levels were increased without the mutation, his metabolism would increase exponentially as well and he would have to be made aware of the situation, as it would affect his health. He would have to increase his fuel intake to account for the increase in metabolism or the bond that I suspected had already been formed somehow, would have to be broken.

When the tests came back positive for increased levels and James repeatedly indicated that he was 'starving' throughout the day, I contacted Selek immediately. I confronted him with my findings and asked him if this were the speculation he was hoping I would discover on my own.

He admitted that it was so. He went on to explain that he had postulated that Jim and I had become inadvertently bonded during the incident on the bridge following the destruction of Vulcan and the death of my Mother, in which I had nearly crushed Jim's windpipe with my bare hands. He also explained, when I voiced my concerns about revealing such a thing to Jim that he had transferred more than he had intended to during their meld on Delta Vega.

He explained that Jim had been dealing with a onslaught of my Elder counterpart's memories, intense, painful, confusing memories, and had required much explanation and guidance in order to deal with them. As a result, Jim was more knowledgeable about Vulcan Pon Farr at this point, than was Dr. McCoy, having literally experienced it through memories in his dreams. He was also aware of the possibility that we were inadvertently bonded, and was simply awaiting my own discovery of this circumstance in order to deal with the situation.

Now armed with everything I needed to know, the only thing left to do was to talk to Jim, and apprise Dr. McCoy of the situation so that he could monitor us both. I found that I still did not have the courage to face him however and the more time I spent with him in the following days, the more awkward things became.

Leonard was beginning to suspect that I was withholding something from him and I believe he suspected what it was as well. His continued jokes about Jim having a tapeworm or some other kind of parasitic creature causing him to devour such increasing quantities of food, were always followed by a snide or dirty look directed straight at me when no one else was looking. When Commander Scott suggested that perhaps Jim were pregnant, Leonard again gave me a frosty look before goading me and asking me what I thought about that particular theory.

I excused myself and headed straight for the observation deck, which is where I sit now, contemplating just how to approach Jim and what to say to him. I fear rejection, but more than that, I fear that he will agree to the bonding out of some sense of loyalty and obligation, and not because he returns my love and attraction for him. I may have misinterpreted what I had felt from him that day in his quarters. I felt as anxious as I once had as a boy, before being reprimanded by my Father, or before appearing before the Vulcan High Council.

As I sat contemplating I heard someone else enter the observation deck, there had been few crew members around when I had entered and I suspected they had left, as I heard the computer confirm the Captains code and response to lock the door. Then he was standing before me, smiling as brightly as he ever had. He didn't say a word at first, just sat down quietly beside me, sighed contentedly and stretched his legs out before him. A few moments of silence passed before I finally raised my eyes to meet his.

"Guess we need to talk huh?" he simply said and I heaved a sigh of my own before answering.

"Yes James, I believe we do."


End file.
